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Dec. 6th, 2004 @ 07:37 pm Good Bye
::Michael Buffer Intro::
Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight is the last night for this journal! With different topics to be discussed from tonights main eventer, you will definitley be taken for a ride.To keep the show going I present to you....RRRRRRRYYYNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

*Intro*
Thank you for reading my last entry tonight.I appreciate that.Tonight should be plenty of entertainment.But I'm not here to entertain you folks.If I can..If you allow me. I would like to take a couple of minutes of your precious time to talk with you.Just listen.Thank you...I appreciate that.


::Stop Thinking::
Why is it that..Why is it that people give me so much respect?I made a journal and got a high amount of comments on my first entry,70+. Yet with so much attention comes jealousy.Now some people that use acknowledge me act as if they cant talk to me now.I'm sure it's not about the journal..I hope it's not about the journal.In this journal that belongs to me I will be very direct.I see some people want to call me an ass hole..Hell even the girl I love thinks I'm an ass hole(some times she says).Sometimes I think what am I supposed to think about people thinking that I'm an ass I think if they think what I think. Then I thought to myself..I'm thinking too much. When you dont know anything...You think.So thinking once again I asked myself what do I know? From a long time of thinking I know that I am actually an ass hole. I know it they think it. Well god damn...

::A Bit Of History::
For a long period of time I grew up without a father.It never bothered me too much.I just went about my business and played outside all day.It only bothered me when I had to live with him for fighting at school.I didnt feel comfortable around him(father) and to add on that he told me that I had other brothers.I didnt let any of this get me the wrong way because my mother made me as strong as I am today. She has taught me to expect the worst out of situations but reach for the best.She has told me that when she dies she doesnt want me to go all crazy and insane crying and shit.She wants me to be able to live my life and not be held down from things you should expect.I'm not going to kill myself if I get dumped..Hell I'm not going to cry...I will be sad..Very sad..definitley if it was Peggy..BUT I'm stronger then to love someone that doesnt love me.

::Girls::
This part is really for the girls that feel as if I have done some wrong to them.If I recall... just to throw something in your face...All of you talked about other guys you liked.Why in the hell would talk to me about another guy you like and expect me to like you at the same time? Oh...thats when the girl tries to play with the guys head...Shit didnt work.I took you seriously..All of you.I'm just trying to clear things up ladies.So,don't say Ryan got your hopes down or Ryan did anything negative..Say "Your Name Here" let her self down....bitches

::Ryan This,Ryan That::
Girl:Hey did you hear about Ryan?!
Boy:Yea,that he dumped Peggy and is trying to get back with Angela?
Girl:HE IS?! No I was talking about him killing himself!
Boy:Oh yea! that is supposed to happen tonight right??
Girl:Hellz Yeauh!
Boy:Awesome dude!!

::Other Journals::
I recomend that everybody that had the time to leave comments in my Journal to leave some in others.They would really appreciate it.I mean..Don't start drama and shit but just leave comments about the entry they have left.Even if you thought it was bad.Don't judge the person..Help the person.They're some really good journals out there and I'm sure if you guys took the time to sit down to read them like you did with mine you would see that.Now of course you wont do it just because I said so I'm just saying what I think is best.

::Ray::
Ray Charles:Hey Ryan listen baby I got this groovy idea for your next entry man
Ryan Barber:Ray this is my last entry...there isnt going to be a "next entry"
Ray Charles:Groovy baby but uh look here..I saw this ad on tv the other day
Ryan Barber:Ray stop it..look man..I'm going to leave for a while can I get you to type this stuff for me untill i get back.
Ray Charles:Sure thing
Ryan Barber:Make it cool Ray!
Ray Charles:Well Im'a make it do what it do baby
Ryan Barber:mhm

::Stressed::
Everybody wants me to do this and that.Well thats ok..I want you do this and that aswell.So when this becomes that,then "that" means you've already done it.hmm I got some of "this" that I need to do in my life.I'm getting a little stressed of some peoples talk.As If I have to do this bad ass thing to prove I'm a bad ass.As If I have to do this really sweet thing to prove I'm a nice guy.Let me break this down for you so know that...Im neither one.I'm Ryan. Just me..Label me what ever you want but don't tell me what i should be. Go find you a bad ass or a sweet heart.This is so special to you but that is 7th grade talk to me.Whats the problem? Is this not clicking in your motha' fucking head?

::Don't Test What You Can't Pass::
Why...Why do you test me? What are you looking to accomplish?Everybody loves to test me."Lets see what Ryan is going to do about it!!" Bitch shut up..Your pitiful life allows you to play stupid game like that.Now I do some chidish things..But don't test me.I don't like to be tested.It makes me feel as if you think you better then me and you can just push me around...I will hurt you at a very good time..and I will hurt you.Unless some how somebody close to me can change my mind.

::Ray 2::
Ryan Barber:Ray?! WTF is that?? You make me out as some kind of bitch!
Ray Charles:I typed what you told me to!!
Ryan Barber:Ray no you didnt! Look at this line..you lookin Ray?!
Ray Charles:......
Ryan Barber:god damnit I'll do it myself Ray...I'll do it myself


::Gossip::
Did you hear? psss...Did you hear??..look..dont tell nobody but..I heard Ryan and Peggy are fighting again and he said that he didnt need her and she called him an ass hole and they just got to fighting..I think they broke up

::My Buddy::
With the percentage of high school break ups I will porbably regret saying what I am about to say.
Peggy I'm crazy about you..you get to me like nobody else.My emotions for you are so strong that sometimes I dont know how to handle myself around you.Thoughts of you leaving me run around in my nightmares.You know I dont mean the names I call you when I'm upset. I should work on that but you leak gasoline on my fire and provoke me to do things that seem out of controll.I know I hurt you more then I should and that I probably take you for granted sometimes and I have nothing in my defense to explain why that is but you still stick with me.You write about me in your journal and alot of the time you say sweet things about me.One night you asked me if I could put my ego and pride to the side for you...I thought about it for awhile and knowing if I putmy pride to the side then I am open for you to hurt me...With knowing that..I put my pride to the side for you to continue to stick with me. So for me to clear any more gossip about how I feel about Peggy I just have this to say...I love you Peggy

*Suicide Letter*(outro)
To all of my friends,family,and love ones..I depart you on this night to let you all live your lives in peace.I see I am nothing but a problem for all of you and I hope life becomes much easier once I am gone.To the everybody else...Im Sorry
From,
Ryan J.Barber



Good Bye....
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Dec. 2nd, 2004 @ 07:26 pm Begining Of The End
Current Mood: calm/upset
Current Music: Listening to a nun repeat the "Hail Mary" on my comupter
Today had to be the best day of my life. Or at least I thought. I woke up and I couldnt find this gun anywhere. I thought I had accomplished the impossible. Then I walked down the hallway just to find my future daughter saying "I'm sorry daddy, but mommy said bring her some bloody bullets.As I looked up to see her mother I couldnt see her face but she ahd glowing blue eyes,Blonde hair...and she was crying"

I quickly woke up from this nightmare just to once again find this gun "dead" in my face again. Hmm..This time it didnt bother me as much. I felt comfortable holding that gun in my palm. I played with it a little..I pressed it against my head and stuck it in my mouth. With my finger on the trigger as if I were waiting on an accident. I put the gun down and went on with my day. Knowing that tomorrow is Silver Bells I began to think what kind of night it would be. Fun? Boring? Maybe I should go high...or drunk. No, I would hurt Angela if I did that. Or hurt her night at least. An unknown person said that Angela dumped me twice and I keep giving her chances. Let me make you happy..Angela doesnt like me. She is interested in some guy named Chris. From her play. "He can sing." Lets keep the show going..

I seem to have the most interesting Journal at the moment. 100+ comments back me up on that.I feel as if I have killed every journal that this group of people know about.Everybody wants to be recognized and heard..I was heard. So now...I'm making one last entry after this and then I am stopping. I wont delete my journal just so in the future people can see the impact that was made off of me just making a journal. The last entry will take place the same night I decide to press the gun up to my head and pull the trigger.


Hold on...my phone is ringing


Ray Charles said "Hi" everybody.
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Nov. 30th, 2004 @ 07:04 pm I Need More Bullets
Current Mood: Untouchable
Current Music: Points of Authority/99 Problems
To get 100 Comments I feel as if I just need to say one line...

I'm going to Silver Bells with Angela Amido.

But I'm going to say more...

When I woke up this morning I was scared to see this gun right next to my face. I thought.."Damn..I could've pulled that trigger during the night." I picked the gun up and I've been caring it all day. Only one bullet was in it. I knew the purpose of this gun was to kill me.After knowing this information I started to think of everything thats been going on in my life. My poor relationship with my dad, The fights I've had with Peggy, The people that hate me,The times I got beat up for nothing,The times my mother said she didnt love me, the times I saw my mom and dad fight. anyways..What really bothers me are my feelings for Peggy. You would probably take this the wrong way but sometimes I just want to break that girls neck. I know from shady things that I have pulled off she wants to rip my rib cage out. But no matter how angry we get with each other we come back to each other for support. Anyways the thing about this gun..It's right here next to my key board. I think this gun will stick with me till I use it...I tried to just fire it in the sky but one more bullet appears. The ultimate sacrifice of a teen-agers life. To choose between himself..or some one else. I could shoot somebody but that guilt will lay on my shoulders forever. Enough talk about that nonsense.

Suicide is stupid. My mother has taught me "A man who kills himself is a weak man." I agree with her. If that affends you then get use to what I think or not read my shit anymore.

Ray Charles called me earlier and asked me if I saw how many comments were left on my journal.

"God Damn Boy" is what he said

I need more bullets Ray....I need more bullets.
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Nov. 28th, 2004 @ 06:14 pm What Was She Thinking?
Current Mood: Not To Be Fucked With
(Devin Suggs)
Waiting
Thousand thoughts running through mind
Searching for answers I can’t seem to find
I’m waiting here
Filled with paralyzing fear
Racing a dangerous pace
Just trying to read your face
Living in a constant nightmare
Wondering if you still care?
Can’t concentrate
In this state
When everything I trust
Is beginning to rust
Words unspoken
Promises broken
Ashes and shattered glass
Breathing in poisonous gas
Staring at the sky
Asking God why
I’m waiting here
Filled with paralyzing fear


(Eric Peavy)
Naive, young, and ready for action
A chick got the picture but didnt read the caption
Became more than friends willin to have fun
Signals got crossed, and our hearts got strung
To make a story short, in the end i got fucked
Screwed, left to die with no help
Well she got what she wanted, and i was out of luck
So I said and did whatever my heart felt
Revenge is a mutha fucka...aint it
Just like our love was...tainted
From this Ive gained more wisdom
When my heart is pumpin like pistons
It may not be love but just a urge to kiss them
Then diss them, and leave in the dust
Trust, i wont fall for your lies again
The next one, i'll uncover my eyes for them
Cus im not gonna hurt all becus im blind from sin


(K-Laud)
Here I am after all the fights,
And Long After Two long Years,
After all the fucking nights,
And all those endless tears.
My heart is shaped and molded,
After all you did.
Years of being scolded,
I'm worse than Psycho Sid.
How could you do it to me,
The man you claimed you loved?
You were the lock and I the key,
But I was the man you shoved.
I'm done for the last time and now it's all you;
Moved on in my life and found me another boo.
Time can't change and it sure didn't heal.
But you woke me up from fantasy,
And showed me what's real.
So this one's for you,
Yeah, K-Laud wish you well.
Cuz in all honesty I hope to see you in hell.
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Nov. 28th, 2004 @ 03:00 pm What do I have to do?
Current Mood: rushed
I'm reading these journals and nothing makes sense
Ryan that & Ryan this..Why did Ryan give that bitch another kiss
Ryan was supposed to put that shit to the side and smile as if
Ryan had no life or emotions inside
Nobody thought to think twice of how all this shit was attacking my pride
Holy shit I just made some chick cry; because I can't be by her side more then a friend
So now I'm supposed to pretend as if nothing ever happened because she has nothing left in her defense
I'm 'bout to jump the fence but something hints that I need to stay and say what needs to be said
Every friend I ever had put a certain price on my head..
"You talk to Peggy again then you're dead...well at least to me"
So now it's the world or Pegg and things seem to not be going so easy for me..

I'll never forget the night when Peggy snaped..the same night I ate dinner with my ex
Just when we were starting to patch things back to that exact happy experience we once had, I lost a little less
She was jealous,I was prideful..She wanted nothing to do with me;but I knew I had to set an example
I told her what was on my mind but I did not beg for her to stay..If she left then that was it we would go our separate ways
She understood and said ok...
My stomach dropped and my soul left my body but I got a lesson of life and what all this has taught me
But later she covered her face and started crying and said she was sorry..We started talking and then she...
And then she leaned against me I was frozen knowin if I take her back either our anger will clash or..
or our hearts will be attached either way I turned around and walked down the same path just to start again from scratch

So with this taking place I'm getting bashed in the face..I ditched so many girls that just wanted one date
I had a chance to attend a formal dance with Angela and threw it away..
Lauren told me that she liked me and I had nothing to say..
Look at me..I'm digging my own grave..And It's sad that you won't love me tomorrow like you did today


*END*
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